Hello and a warm welcome, today is Saturday, July 30th, 2022. I am Anna Marie with Dragonfly Rose and this is The Daily Journal. I would like to start off with a bit of a warning that this episode may run very emotional and have some graphic content that you may not want everyone to hear in regard to sexual abuse and our government systems. I will try my very best to keep my language PG, but I can get passionate.
I am so heated about all of this that I almost decided not to talk about this today. But I think someone has to and I think I also needed to get it out. I am not going to apologize if this offends someone, truths can be hard and painful, I very well know.
Today when I connected my pen to the paper I came in with a sense of guilt. Guilt from the fact that I am rarely in the mood for intimate time as of this last year and I can feel that he is. I feel like I have to since we are in a relationship but I get frustrated and mad with myself that I am not in the mood and he is and then I feel bad about it. I feel guilty when my partner wants this intimate time and I do not, or it isn’t even anywhere on my radar of a want. He is always extremely kind and understanding, he is honestly the best man I have ever met aside from my daddy. Why should I have to feel guilty about this!? He doesn’t make me feel guilty about it. I really started peeling back the layers as to why I am not and it came down to this:
The childhood traumas I experienced have now turned to my daughter, in almost the exact scenario. She was brave and spoke up, just as I did, my mother did not believe me and her father did not believe her. I am now experiencing as a mother what I experienced as a child. This whole last year has been a constant court and legal system fight with him. I realized that I have so much hate and anger in my heart and that it has been there since I was young. I am tired of being quiet, of skirting around these issues that directly cause trauma to girls and women everywhere every day.
Why does the law refuse to ‘punish’ the other parent and are ok with placing children in the company that abuses them, and makes the parent who is fighting for the child out to be the bad guy? When I was a little girl my caseworker at DHHS made me sit down and have a visit with my step-father. My step-father who sexually molested me! My mother didn’t believe me, I was taken out of my home with my siblings and placed in a foster home. It was no wonder I was so angry and pushed away any form of parental figure in my life, anyone who told me I had no choice. Now, the same legal shit. Judges don’t like to limit time with another parent, this case will fail because she has changed her story due to manipulation. She has to be around this other child that hurt her and every time I drop her off I fear that this child will hurt her. Every single time. There is so much anger hate and frustration that I am feeling and have been feeling for a long time.
I feel angry that I was raped and it resulted in a pregnancy. I am angry that boys think a girl being drunk is a yes. I never fucking said yes! Ever… I just remember being drunk out of my mind. Pregnant at 18. I never once blamed my son but I will make damn sure he knows that a drunk girl is not consent, even if she is saying yes. I am so angry that we are ‘oogled’ as women. I am not put here as a sexual thought for you! And then we feel guilty, guilty to men, guilty to ourselves, our families, our government. I am so tired of kids being abused, kids being raped or touched by family or friends.
There is a country song that says “I believe most people are good”, I believe this but struggle with the fact that the people doing wrong get away with hurting the good people. I am angry that dysfunction and cruelty seem to be accepted and rewarded.
There is a lot on my heart right now and I am grateful I am in a space to work through it, I am grateful I have a supportive partner that I can communicate with, I am grateful that I live in a safe place where I can work through this hate and anger without fear of abuse. There are a lot of people that do not have these safe spaces, there are a lot of women and children who have no safe place because no one is willing to do that extra work that they need, and no one is willing to tell the other parent “hey you messed up! She/he is not safe with you!”.
Most days I feel like an alien on this planet watching all the insanity that humans are. In the same breath, I understand why and I don’t at the same time. Our emotions are so complex and our insecurities are so intense that they cause us to be irrational and do really bad things, and then there is mental illness. But even saying all of this, it is damn time for some change, healing, and new structures set up to keep our children safe and to help the abusers with their mental health.
I’m going to stop my soap box for now but this is something that I have been dealing with since I was a child. And these acts caused so much trauma in my mind. For many many years, and even up to now, I didn’t trust myself, I didn’t trust what I was saying, I never thought I was a good person, I didn’t trust that I was telling the truth, even though I knew that I was telling the truth. I felt like I was lying, I felt guilty. And now my daughter is going through these same emotions. She’s happy, she loves going to see her dad, and she loves one of her stepbrothers. But none of them believed her and now she has to be around somebody who hurt her. What does this tell her about what she has said? And what she experiences? What has this told her? What has this taught her? It has taught her that she is wrong, she is lying, and it has taught her that what she says is just a joke. And she has said that to me countless times. It doesn’t make any sense and as a mom, I’m just scared every day. And I am worried that her little spark, her tenacity, her light is starting to be damped out, and I will not allow that.
This being said, I did connect to my cards after I poured my heart and frustrations out in my journal and I got this message for the listeners/readers:
The Empress (R)
The Moon
Queen of Swords
V of Wands (R)
V of Cups
Queen of Cups
A time to take a step back and trust that things will unfold in a way that’s best for all, nothing is ever what it seems. Be very clear about your expectations and ambitions. When you’re coming from a space where we are only seeing what we’ve lost it can cause us to operate from a space of ego and create unhealthy ways of expressing ourselves that can be hurtful. Like heavily gloating with you when for example. This is a good time to take a pause and to put down your swords to connect you’re your emotions and nurture them. Connect with how you are feeling instead of fighting against your sensitivities. Work with them, they show you what your body is resonating with and what it is rejecting. Above all be easy on yourself, gentle with others, and don’t be afraid to talk or write about your feelings and then share them and celebrate them.
This was a very emotional post for me and I hope that the message finds you well and it opens your eyes to a world you may not know much about. I thank you for taking the time to take up space with me today. I thank you for giving me your time out of your day. I hope that you are in a space that is safe enough for you to fully express how you are feeling and what you are going through.
All my love, talk with you tomorrow.