Hello, I am Anna Marie with Dragonfly Rose and I welcome you to The Daily Journal. In today’s episode I will be getting down and dirty sharing parts of myself that I am not very proud of. Why? Because I think we need to share more. Share the ways we are toxic and why. Share when we are disappointed and let down. We need to share the uncomfortable as much as we share the fun, joy, laughter, and accomplishment. There has to be balance.
In this spirit of honesty, I will say that I am terrified to do this. The way in which others view me is, honestly, too important to me and it is something that I want to tear down within myself. Not everyone will like me and that is ok!! This part of myself has me fearing how my partner’s family will see me as well. This scares me more. But at the end of the day, I need to share this, because I know that someday someone will listen or see my words and be going through the same and not know how to stop or get out. I have the ability to reflect deeply on my actions and why I react the ways I do. I have the ability to connect and get answers and guidance on what I can do to heal. This is why I share, I share to help. To help others get past their traumas and to let them know they are not alone, and that they are not crazy.
I will start by saying that I am proud of myself for removing a commitment I made yesterday to be home with my daughter and take a breather. Did I want to go? Yes and no. Yes because I love spending time with them all, I wanted to be included in the fun; I wanted to be in their good energy. No, because, I am worn so thin that the slightest scuff in the day has my anxiety out of control and I just want to break down and cry and my daughter is going through the same. This is a sign to rest and just take it easy. So Partner went and we stayed home.
I want to preface this next part with the information I shared in Episode 2: Small Steps in regard to time and how anyone, myself included, being late is seen as extreme rudeness in my mind. This being said, I was proud of myself for giving my partner the space to spend time with his family and friends without feeling left out. As he was leaving he told me he would be home at 730pm to say goodnight to my daughter. Things were going great for me emotionally. I was happy he was having fun and that my daughter and I were cuddling and watching a movie. A much-needed rest. But as I was getting Daughter to bed 730pm rolled around and no Partner, not even a message. My anxiety was climbing and my frustrations were compounding. My mind raced with him laughing with some girls and having fun without me and not even caring that he broke his word with me. I was so upset, granted not as upset as if this happened a year ago, but I was catastrophizing and it just kept spiraling. He finally messaged at 745 and I was done. I wish he would have just stayed like I felt he wanted to. He had even said how he felt like he HAD to come home. I spent the rest of the night in a bad mood. I did eventually scratch my way out of it but my frustrations are still there. I am not mad about him being out, I am mad about him breaking his word and choosing others over his commitment he made to me.
I was wrong, I was in the wrong here and when I reflect on this scenario I can clearly see my toxic reactions. He was simply late, he was having fun and lost track of time. My rational mind can see this but my ego, the part of my mind where my scars lie, felt abandoned and worthless. I felt like I couldn’t trust him because I couldn’t trust his word. Now I am writing this I am brought to one of my love languages and it is words of affirmation, but going deeper it is communication. I must have this communication to feel stable. No one is perfect, mistakes will be made, and I need to give the space for everyone to make them. Including myself. I also need to let go of the idea that I can create an image or persona that everyone will like and accept.
As I talked with my partner this morning I realized that I stop facing parts of myself once I feel like I will look like a crazy person. Once I feel like I am dipping up and down between happiness and depression, once I feel unbalanced. I will stop, and I stop until everything piles up again causing me to start all over again. The truth is that to heal you have to go a little crazy, you will be seen as unbalanced, bipolar, or toxic. Inwardly I have to remember that this is only temporary as I travel through the damaged parts of my psyche. Anyone in my life that turns me away because of this is only on board with the fake damaged version I present to the world. I have to be honest. As I type this I realize that by being honest with myself, the world, and those I love it will only strengthen my trust in others and the world. I refuse to run away from my traumas anymore. They will be faced with an open heart, understanding, compassion, and love. There was a time when I faced these parts of myself with a warrior stance, sword in hand, ready to cut it out. But as I progress I realized you cannot cut out what is part of you, you only cause more trauma. Laying down my sword is the only way to heal.
It is my own hesitations and fear that are causing the problem and my inability to trust. Everything is a choice, everything! I am choosing to put both feet in and start the journey, no matter how I may look to others. Yesterday I had toxic reactions to a verbal agreement being broken. Today I will work on how I can be ok when a word is broken, and it starts with being more gentle with myself. It always starts with me. Always. When I was younger I felt like a hindrance to everyone, this feeling has stayed with me and I at times feel like a hindrance to myself. It is time to start embracing instead of withdrawing or attacking.
Today I connected with Spirit and asked what the listeners/readers needed to hear. A message that would help them on their path. As always the list of cards will be on my website DragonflyRose.com in the Forum under the discussion The Daily Journal:
VII of Cups (R)
Knight of Pentacles (R)
Knight of Swords
VI of Wands (R)
Ace of Wands (R)
Queen of Pentacles
Your security and structure are questionable right now because you are waiting for someone to make decisions for you. You have so many options before you but your mind is foggy and you can't see what decision to make. You feel like you have lost your spark, your mojo, or maybe the recognition you were hoping for did not happen. You had so much passion for this person/place/thing/idea that now it just feels like a letdown. Are you experiencing low self-esteem from this?
Spirit wants you to know that by building up your security by spending time with those you love, family, and close friends you can gain self-confidence and momentum again.
I hope that this message from the spirit finds you well, if it doesn’t feel right for you then it probably isn’t a message for you. Regardless the last part I feel is for everyone. By spending time with those we love we can strengthen our stability and our foundations.
I had a lot of my mind and heart today, and I felt I needed to share the whole picture. Perhaps this wasn’t needed but I wanted to be able to fully explain where I was coming from. In communication, this is so important. I hope that my words and experiences have helped you navigate through your own inner worlds and have helped you step closer to living a more balanced life. By recognizing our patterns and why we have them we can create a full and beautiful, abundant, and balanced life. Full of so many riches.
I thank you for giving me the space today to fill your ears with my journey and the lessons and knowledge I have acquired from my own inner travels. I hope that this day finds you many blessings and so much love, until tomorrow! Take care.